Q and A | My Experience with Domestic Violence

Just before the beginning of 2015, I got you all to ask me questions about domestic violence in general and my experience with it. This was originally supposed to be a vlog but I currently have Mount Vesuvius resting on my face (a massive cold sore) plus no vocal confidence what so ever. So, you're just going to have to read my answers! To avoid any drama, trouble or putting myself at risk, I shall name the abusive partner 'Dylan'. I hope this teaches you something you didn't know and also opens your mind about domestic violence and the people that suffer/have suffered from it...

How did you leave your relationship and how long did it take you?

It's a long and complicated story. I tried to end it myself just after my exams when he verbally abused me for wearing shorts at my metaphorical sister, Katie's, house. It didn't go to plan and he did the usual sly thing most perpetrators do and threatened to seriously harm me then kill himself to make me scared and feel guilty. So, Dad sent me and mum to my grandparent's house to have a nice week away where I would be safe while him and Uncle Al went to Dylan's house to call things off and to tell his family what had happened and that he should stay away from me. It took me about 10 months to get out of this relationship, as the first 3 were the honey moon period where he would deceive me into thinking he was charming and an ideal partner. 

How do I get out of an abusive relationship?

It's a common misconception of the general public when they expect people to leave after the perpetrator inflicts abuse on them for the first time, as it's a vicious cycle. Demand for power, infliction then the honey moon period. After the first time, they apologize and convince you it's 'because they care'. That makes it harder to leave them as you only think it's a one time occasion. It's also scary as you fear for your safety. My advice would be to talk to someone! Your family, a counsellor and the police if necessary, as if the perpetrator was seen verbally, mentally or physically assaulting you in person, he'd be put away instantly. People need to know what's happening so they can help you take the next step and leave the relationship. Definitely talk to someone after the first occasion of abuse, you need to escape as soon as possible before your partner ceases total control of you.

Does it count as rape if you're going out with them?

Yes. Any occasion where sex is not consensual, it is a rape and it is inexcusable. 

Can women be perpetrators of domestic violence?

 

Most definitely, but unfortunately men are scared of reporting it or speaking about their experiences because of social expectations. Men are expected to be strong and able to look after themselves when in actual fact there have been some horrific cases of domestic violence against men. 

Did you ever defend yourself?

The main reason why I was abused was because of the culture of my partner, as his side of religion believed in the manipulation and control of white women which I didn't discover until an old friend of mine researched into it and told me. Along with this, I was bullied for having mental health issues and also for my past which my abusive partner had no involvement in. There was one time when he found out that I lost my virginity 3 months before I turned sixteen, when I just generalized it and said I lost it at, and I quote myself, 'around the age of sixteen'. Apparently this was a lie and I was pulled across his hall by my hair, to which I responded by kicking him in the testicals. It didn't end well for myself and I kept quiet about it...

Alternative method of defense: Find a weakness point like I did, get away, get your phone and contact the police immediately! 

What do you regret?

I regret not listening to my parents and friend's thoughts and opinions on him. If I did this, I could have ended it sooner before the abuse got worse and focused on my studies. 

Do you still get upset about it?

I'm currently in a really happy relationship and it's with someone I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with. I do have bad memories sometimes and also get very worked up over small arguments because, even though I KNOW Tom would never hurt me, I get scared of provoking something because I was so used to it. I'm still stuck in the habit of trying to prove where I am and that I really am not cheating, because even though I'm like a loyal puppy, I get worried about doubt. I always get my friends to say 'hello' down the phone even when I know I'm trusted. It's one of those things that takes time to get out of but I have faith in myself that these habits will blow over.

What have you discovered from being in a new relationship?

Self worth and trust. It was a massive learning curve and contrast. What happened to me throughout those ten months I could never imagine happening ever again. I'm in a relationship where I'm safe, loved and trusted. I can be myself and participate in my old hobbies again. I know that if I have a goal, Tom will encourage me and not try to pull me down. For example, I want to study to be a primary school teacher and Tom encourages me to study and work hard rather than making me skive lessons. 

I just got out of an abusive relationship, no one really knew about it and I want to speak out. But I'm worried about what people will say...

I was the exact same when I did a vague blog about my experience. But us sufferers need to be inspired and empowered to leave these situations and give others inspiration to do the same. Never suffer in silence and be true to yourself. The people who are worth your time will stand by you and support you. Those are the people that matter. 

I think my friend's boyfriend abuses her. What do I do?

Talk to her about this. You need to gather evidence before you jump to these conclusions but if you have evidence then talk to her and tell her how dangerous these situations can turn. Encourage her to report it and talk to her family, even the police if necessary. 

My girlfriend still has nightmares about her abusive ex. I can't cope and don't know whether to stay or not. But I really love her. What do I do?

You need to love and look after her, she's your girlfriend for goodness sake!

Leaving her will only make her feel worse and even more unwanted. She will wallow more in grief and despair about what happened to her. You need to distract her and take her mind of these things. Let her vent everything out to you, that way it's off her mind. Take her out, do sweet things for her..anything that she loves and that you can enjoy together where she won't be reminded of what happened. 

Were you in love, and when did you fall out of love?

I am sad to say that yes, I was in love. But this changed quickly and just turned into fear. I was told I wouldn't find anyone better and he would be the only one to ever love me and want a life with me. What a lie that was...

Are you in love now?

Meeting Tom was amazing and a complete eye-opener. We met through my best friend and met up numerous times, times which I will always remember. I am definitely in love because not only does he make me feel beautiful and loved, he's also someone I can be there for. We've had hilarious times and memories together and these memories just keep putting more and more pieces together, making our life up. This is something I never want to end. 

There were a lot more questions but some of them were just too upsetting to answer. I hope this was informative and good to read. If you know anyone who is being abused or you are being abused yourself, please don't hesitate to message me for help or seek professional help yourself from a counsellor or police officer. Tell a close friend and/or family member so you have someone close to support you personally.

Stay safe xo