Personal Update// *Sad Face*
It would appear by all the positivity I have been posting that I seem to be doing quite well and am getting more and more confident by the day. In some respect, this is true. In others? Not so much.
There's a few things I'm struggling with myself. Whilst I'm trying to keep you guys happy and inspired, behind the scenes I've been a bit crappy and down. It's nothing serious or to be worried about necessarily but there are things I have noticed and need to come to terms with myself.
I've noticed I've been getting overly angry and irritated by small things I could just leave and not even acknowledge. Today was an example, I had a bit of a falling out with a very rude young man who must have been about three years older than me or so. I was carrying a very expensive tripod and camera through my local shopping centre, intu Derby, and this man presumed I had eyes at the back of my head which would enable me to see him and move out of his way. I told him he should have said 'excuse me please' rather than being so aggressive to which he responded by squaring up to me and being downright nasty. I stupidly responded telling him to get off his high horse and acknowledge the fact that there are many of us in the centre trying to get to places but not being rude about it. Big mistake. Because of the circumstances and the irrelevant aggression this guy had, I put my own safety and my friend's safety at risk.
This is just an example of my aggression and it's something I need to work on. I don't cope with arguing and confrontation well and it brings out a nasty side to me. It feels like someone else is talking, not Grace.
I hold a lot of anger, which I haven't got out yet, against people who have hurt me in the past. Like my abusive ex, fake friends who've just thrown me away, my attacker from the other summer and everyone who doubted me in the past. I wish there was some way to get this anger out but unfortunately not. I want to argue with people sometimes because of this welling anger but that's not fair, because that's me taking it out on innocent people. Also, if I do start to let myself get worked up, then who's winning? Not me.
Throughout my life I've ignored my own wishes and just got myself stuck into things that go against my gut instinct. In some respect, this is good and makes me come across as a good person with a positive attitude. But, it does show I'm willing to exert myself. I constantly fail to make time to eat because I get so engrossed in tasks I feel the need to complete within a certain time slot. I don't stop until I feel I have completed something to a satisfactory level. I throw myself forward into things I'm not comfortable with. I think it's time I stepped back and just made time for myself to relax. Because this attitude tires me out,which really isn't good for my thyroid either, and makes me more anxious. I'm aware there's other ways to complete tasks to a satisfactory level more healthily, but at the moment I just can't seem to find a way which will suit me.
I do struggle to keep myself motivated with my creativity. I hate photography now. Well, my classes anyway. There's no bond anymore and my lecturers fail to inspire me. At the moment I don't even know if I want to teach anymore because I've been out of placement for so long. I've been told I will be good at it and occasionally get the odd bit of inspiration. But other than that everything is just a blur to me. I want to do a bit of speaking in schools about bullying and domestic violence, as well as getting my blog more well-known.
Some weird stuff has been happening too. I've been getting chest pains and hearing people around me screaming and crying, even though they're not. It may be a side affect from coming off anti-depressants not long ago but it's something that disturbs me quite a lot and it's very unnerving.
I am happy with what I have, I am very lucky to be in a lovely stable relationship and have a great family behind me. This family are going through their own problems at the moment, though. And I don't like putting myself and my problems on other people because they could be going through a lot worse than me. No matter how close they are to me. I seem to be a perpetually pissed off character at the moment and I don't like it. Because it's not fair on myself or anyone around me, especially when I've worked so hard to overcome some massive obstacles. But at the moment, I just can't seem to help myself but I know I need to, so this isn't just me moping about to you guys. I will do something about it.
I hope you guys are staying positive. Don't worry, I will be in tip-top shape soon and posting loads of upbeat stuff. Stay safe and I will be with you soon xo
There's a few things I'm struggling with myself. Whilst I'm trying to keep you guys happy and inspired, behind the scenes I've been a bit crappy and down. It's nothing serious or to be worried about necessarily but there are things I have noticed and need to come to terms with myself.
I've noticed I've been getting overly angry and irritated by small things I could just leave and not even acknowledge. Today was an example, I had a bit of a falling out with a very rude young man who must have been about three years older than me or so. I was carrying a very expensive tripod and camera through my local shopping centre, intu Derby, and this man presumed I had eyes at the back of my head which would enable me to see him and move out of his way. I told him he should have said 'excuse me please' rather than being so aggressive to which he responded by squaring up to me and being downright nasty. I stupidly responded telling him to get off his high horse and acknowledge the fact that there are many of us in the centre trying to get to places but not being rude about it. Big mistake. Because of the circumstances and the irrelevant aggression this guy had, I put my own safety and my friend's safety at risk.
This is just an example of my aggression and it's something I need to work on. I don't cope with arguing and confrontation well and it brings out a nasty side to me. It feels like someone else is talking, not Grace.
I hold a lot of anger, which I haven't got out yet, against people who have hurt me in the past. Like my abusive ex, fake friends who've just thrown me away, my attacker from the other summer and everyone who doubted me in the past. I wish there was some way to get this anger out but unfortunately not. I want to argue with people sometimes because of this welling anger but that's not fair, because that's me taking it out on innocent people. Also, if I do start to let myself get worked up, then who's winning? Not me.
Throughout my life I've ignored my own wishes and just got myself stuck into things that go against my gut instinct. In some respect, this is good and makes me come across as a good person with a positive attitude. But, it does show I'm willing to exert myself. I constantly fail to make time to eat because I get so engrossed in tasks I feel the need to complete within a certain time slot. I don't stop until I feel I have completed something to a satisfactory level. I throw myself forward into things I'm not comfortable with. I think it's time I stepped back and just made time for myself to relax. Because this attitude tires me out,which really isn't good for my thyroid either, and makes me more anxious. I'm aware there's other ways to complete tasks to a satisfactory level more healthily, but at the moment I just can't seem to find a way which will suit me.
I do struggle to keep myself motivated with my creativity. I hate photography now. Well, my classes anyway. There's no bond anymore and my lecturers fail to inspire me. At the moment I don't even know if I want to teach anymore because I've been out of placement for so long. I've been told I will be good at it and occasionally get the odd bit of inspiration. But other than that everything is just a blur to me. I want to do a bit of speaking in schools about bullying and domestic violence, as well as getting my blog more well-known.
Some weird stuff has been happening too. I've been getting chest pains and hearing people around me screaming and crying, even though they're not. It may be a side affect from coming off anti-depressants not long ago but it's something that disturbs me quite a lot and it's very unnerving.
I am happy with what I have, I am very lucky to be in a lovely stable relationship and have a great family behind me. This family are going through their own problems at the moment, though. And I don't like putting myself and my problems on other people because they could be going through a lot worse than me. No matter how close they are to me. I seem to be a perpetually pissed off character at the moment and I don't like it. Because it's not fair on myself or anyone around me, especially when I've worked so hard to overcome some massive obstacles. But at the moment, I just can't seem to help myself but I know I need to, so this isn't just me moping about to you guys. I will do something about it.
I hope you guys are staying positive. Don't worry, I will be in tip-top shape soon and posting loads of upbeat stuff. Stay safe and I will be with you soon xo
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