Life Update// December 2014
I've been blogging a lot recently on really generic stuff that's either annoyed or amazed me. I've also remained really positive to prove to the people that think I'm 'pessimistic' (this is a wide majority of people) wrong. For example, my favourite things of each month, Christmassy photos, relationship updates etc.
This post contains optimistic and pessimistic information. Obviously it's impossible for anyone to have an overly positive outlook on life. There's good and bad in everyone's life. If there's no bad in yours then you are very lucky.
I'm going to get all the bad stuff out the way first.
Although in my '15 things I am grateful for' post, which you can read here, I stated that I was grateful for being on my new college course as it is something I thought I could really engage myself in, and also how supportive my lecturers were. Wow have I been proven wrong! There is only one lecturer now that I really get on with now and that's Chris because we have so much banter with each other and he is doing his job properly. He's being inspiring and provides constructive criticism. Graham can be lovely too and he always encourages me to put my art into my portfolio as well as my photos. Recently though we fell out as I couldn't come to the London trip due to my phobia of train stations (as well as airports). Instead, I am going to Bradford with Tom which I am really looking forward to. I would much rather have a panic attack with someone who knows how to calm me down rather than a class of seventeen people crowding around me. As much as I love my class, I'd just prefer to spend this time with Tom.
I've also not been getting on with my other lecturer very well at all and it went too far just this Monday to the point where I was getting so annoyed where I stormed out the class and punched a wall really hard (it really fecking hurt my hand). He knows about my minor case of autism but still finds it appropriate to be really sarcastic with me to the point where I become gullible and make a fool out of myself. I'm also getting blamed for everything, even if I'm sitting their completely silently doing my work.
I do put my all into my work and have gained recognition for it, Graham isn't using the London trip against me and is constantly giving me praise which gives me lots of confidence. I'm just finding that I am exerting myself more and more for something I have realised I no longer want for a career. When I say exerting myself I mean constantly working when I have the free time along with doing my commission work to the point where I'm just so tired, even ill due to the work, but can't stop working. Coming off my antidepressants isn't helping the situation either as my moods are being extenuated and my body isn't reacting well to it either. Working and volunteering with children has made me realise I should have gone into a course such as Early Years Education Level 3.
Students Union have also kicked me out due to my apparent lack of responsibility. Yes I haven't been able to show up to meetings due to family emergencies and transport issue but with all due respect I have been doing a lot of organising which pretty much always got turned down. Yes, it was an extra curricular activity and I should have realised the amount of responsibility I was going to have to take, but since when did extra curricular activities include being solely responsible for raising
£5000 by the end of the year?
My old school has also caught up to me and it has got to me a lot more than I've been showing. Over summer I posted a photo on Instagram from when I was on holiday in Turkey. I was in my bikini top and shorts. I didn't really like the photo myself but after getting out of my previous relationship I became more and more body confident to the point where I thought I should embrace this new found confidence and upload this shot. I saw no harm in it considering I'm not the only girl who does it and there is a lot worse out there. I have respect for myself and I wasn't doing it for sexual attention. It was for myself. It was all fine and dandy until a group of girls from my old school trawled through my Instagram and start3d screen-grabbing the photo, ridiculing it and sending it around the school of 500 pupils. For a secondary school and sixth form centre this isn't very big so you can imagine it got around quite quickly. I made out to everyone who told me it was fine, I was a little pissed off but it was fine. In reality, it affected my body confidence a lot. I left the school to get away from all the bitchiness and it's just made me doubt my self-image even more. By complete coincidence, as soon as this photo was released someone who I thought was my friend broke off all their contact with me. We have fallen out big time but honestly I wish her the best with her life.
One last little moan. Joseph Wright Centre friends. When I started here I was in a group of 20 odd people and I was so happy. How this has changed. I'm still in touch with a majority of them, especially Amy, Keisha, Jack, Shari, Taylor, Dec,Meaghan and Manleen. I get to see Amy tomorrow and am spending time with her and her brother, who I've also found a friend in more recently,tomorrow. Possibly her boyfriend, Courtney, too who is also a great friend. I'm being constantly filled in that people are talking about me and one "friend" even posted on her blog that she doesn't like many of us anymore. That's how far we have grown apart but that's life I suppose. Something I have always learnt the hard way, sometimes people change and personalities clash. It's not a personal thing, it's just growing up.
To more positive things, it's nearly Christmas and New Year, there is a possibility of snow and I get a break from college and a whole week with the boyfriend! I've begun volunteering at my local primary school and it's amazing how you van go into work either really angry or upset and the smallest and most innocent comment one of these children may make cheers you up a lot and can make you giggle non-stop for a full day! My friends will probably be so bored with all my stories about what the kids have said but I will just carry on regardless.
Next Thursday I will be celebrating my 18th with Tom and my family over the course of three days. We also set off to Bradford next Tuesday for Tom's university interview for s degree in media production. I hope it goes amazing for him and I know he will ace it! We've only been able to see each other on weekends and the occasional Wednesday when he finishes sixth form early. This makes the time we have together all the more special, but I do miss him a lot and I'm just looking forward to relaxing and spending lots of time with him, my family and his family over the Christmas holidays!
Next Thursday I will be celebrating my eighteenth year of existence by posting eighteen photos, one from each of my years on this planet. Fair warning, pretty much every photo of me before I was about ten contains me eating food, mainly ice cream! My Q & A vlog on domestic violence and toxic relationships will also be filmed this Saturday morning by Tom and posted at some point next week. Again if you have any questions that you'd like to ask anonymously to be answered in this blog, comment them below or inbox me them on Facebook!
This post contains optimistic and pessimistic information. Obviously it's impossible for anyone to have an overly positive outlook on life. There's good and bad in everyone's life. If there's no bad in yours then you are very lucky.
I'm going to get all the bad stuff out the way first.
Although in my '15 things I am grateful for' post, which you can read here, I stated that I was grateful for being on my new college course as it is something I thought I could really engage myself in, and also how supportive my lecturers were. Wow have I been proven wrong! There is only one lecturer now that I really get on with now and that's Chris because we have so much banter with each other and he is doing his job properly. He's being inspiring and provides constructive criticism. Graham can be lovely too and he always encourages me to put my art into my portfolio as well as my photos. Recently though we fell out as I couldn't come to the London trip due to my phobia of train stations (as well as airports). Instead, I am going to Bradford with Tom which I am really looking forward to. I would much rather have a panic attack with someone who knows how to calm me down rather than a class of seventeen people crowding around me. As much as I love my class, I'd just prefer to spend this time with Tom.
I've also not been getting on with my other lecturer very well at all and it went too far just this Monday to the point where I was getting so annoyed where I stormed out the class and punched a wall really hard (it really fecking hurt my hand). He knows about my minor case of autism but still finds it appropriate to be really sarcastic with me to the point where I become gullible and make a fool out of myself. I'm also getting blamed for everything, even if I'm sitting their completely silently doing my work.
I do put my all into my work and have gained recognition for it, Graham isn't using the London trip against me and is constantly giving me praise which gives me lots of confidence. I'm just finding that I am exerting myself more and more for something I have realised I no longer want for a career. When I say exerting myself I mean constantly working when I have the free time along with doing my commission work to the point where I'm just so tired, even ill due to the work, but can't stop working. Coming off my antidepressants isn't helping the situation either as my moods are being extenuated and my body isn't reacting well to it either. Working and volunteering with children has made me realise I should have gone into a course such as Early Years Education Level 3.
Students Union have also kicked me out due to my apparent lack of responsibility. Yes I haven't been able to show up to meetings due to family emergencies and transport issue but with all due respect I have been doing a lot of organising which pretty much always got turned down. Yes, it was an extra curricular activity and I should have realised the amount of responsibility I was going to have to take, but since when did extra curricular activities include being solely responsible for raising
£5000 by the end of the year?
My old school has also caught up to me and it has got to me a lot more than I've been showing. Over summer I posted a photo on Instagram from when I was on holiday in Turkey. I was in my bikini top and shorts. I didn't really like the photo myself but after getting out of my previous relationship I became more and more body confident to the point where I thought I should embrace this new found confidence and upload this shot. I saw no harm in it considering I'm not the only girl who does it and there is a lot worse out there. I have respect for myself and I wasn't doing it for sexual attention. It was for myself. It was all fine and dandy until a group of girls from my old school trawled through my Instagram and start3d screen-grabbing the photo, ridiculing it and sending it around the school of 500 pupils. For a secondary school and sixth form centre this isn't very big so you can imagine it got around quite quickly. I made out to everyone who told me it was fine, I was a little pissed off but it was fine. In reality, it affected my body confidence a lot. I left the school to get away from all the bitchiness and it's just made me doubt my self-image even more. By complete coincidence, as soon as this photo was released someone who I thought was my friend broke off all their contact with me. We have fallen out big time but honestly I wish her the best with her life.
One last little moan. Joseph Wright Centre friends. When I started here I was in a group of 20 odd people and I was so happy. How this has changed. I'm still in touch with a majority of them, especially Amy, Keisha, Jack, Shari, Taylor, Dec,Meaghan and Manleen. I get to see Amy tomorrow and am spending time with her and her brother, who I've also found a friend in more recently,tomorrow. Possibly her boyfriend, Courtney, too who is also a great friend. I'm being constantly filled in that people are talking about me and one "friend" even posted on her blog that she doesn't like many of us anymore. That's how far we have grown apart but that's life I suppose. Something I have always learnt the hard way, sometimes people change and personalities clash. It's not a personal thing, it's just growing up.
To more positive things, it's nearly Christmas and New Year, there is a possibility of snow and I get a break from college and a whole week with the boyfriend! I've begun volunteering at my local primary school and it's amazing how you van go into work either really angry or upset and the smallest and most innocent comment one of these children may make cheers you up a lot and can make you giggle non-stop for a full day! My friends will probably be so bored with all my stories about what the kids have said but I will just carry on regardless.
Next Thursday I will be celebrating my 18th with Tom and my family over the course of three days. We also set off to Bradford next Tuesday for Tom's university interview for s degree in media production. I hope it goes amazing for him and I know he will ace it! We've only been able to see each other on weekends and the occasional Wednesday when he finishes sixth form early. This makes the time we have together all the more special, but I do miss him a lot and I'm just looking forward to relaxing and spending lots of time with him, my family and his family over the Christmas holidays!
Next Thursday I will be celebrating my eighteenth year of existence by posting eighteen photos, one from each of my years on this planet. Fair warning, pretty much every photo of me before I was about ten contains me eating food, mainly ice cream! My Q & A vlog on domestic violence and toxic relationships will also be filmed this Saturday morning by Tom and posted at some point next week. Again if you have any questions that you'd like to ask anonymously to be answered in this blog, comment them below or inbox me them on Facebook!
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