Friendships and Other Catastrophes | Lifestyle

Hello, everyone!

I wanted to do a sort of half serious, half friend post today about something that affects each and every one of us on a day-to-day basis. Friendship. Some are good, some are bad and some are just downright nasty and ugly. 

 This wasn't really a planned post. Sometimes, like during The PTSD Diaries, I just get intrusive late night thoughts that really stir up a variety of emotions. A mixture of joy, sadness and anger. Especially in this topic. 

 Friendships have affected me differently throughout my life. I don't know whether it's because I have autistic spectrum disorder, which makes me a little difficult to communicate with sometimes, but I just didn't seem to draw people to me. 

 I went to a really small, village primary school where there were, and still are, about 114 pupils. When I attended, there were five girls in my year. One of which was particularly nasty to me and I had the unfortunate pleasure of sharing my secondary education with her, too. I always seemed to be left out because there was an odd number for us, and then manipulated into thinking I was actually always getting my own way.

After completing my first seven years of school, I then moved on to secondary school. I was very much a little fish in a huge pond. It was also a public school, which made things ten-times scarier. 

 Before I go on about more hours that were thrown my way here, I'd just like to point out two big positives. Yes, I made two of my best friends at this school. And we're still as close now as we were when we first met.

 Rachel was on the first form (year seven) introduction day, which was the last day of our summer holidays and the day before we started the big and scary school that looked like Hogwarts. 

 Our first day at 'that school' is one of my most vivid memories. I was terrified to be in such a huge school, doing subjects I've never heard with along side other children who wore brands of clothes I never knew the existence of. But Rachel was there through it all. I remember our first hockey lesson, which was probably the worst two hours of my life considering I cannot stand playing competitive sport, where our teacher told us we're going to train in all sorts of weather and there will be blood, sweat and tears. Little us both held hands in fear. Rachel then made it to the B team and I was probably known as the worst hockey player at the school. 

 Despite abandoning me during sports sessions, Rachel has been there through thick and thin, even when we've had our most hideous arguments. What makes us click more is that we're both as bonkers as each other, with an incredibly warped sense of humour between us! She also introduced me to Tom, and I cannot thank her enough for that. 

Later in first year came Emily, was is the year above me. We were doing basic hockey exercises during Saturday school (yes, it's as bad as it sounds) and I was just in one of my hyper moods, showing off as year 7's do when they get over excited. Emily probably thought I was deranged or something but nevertheless, we are still best friends to this day! And we've shared some hilarious memories that are second-to-none. 

These friendships basically got me through secondary school, as well as a few others but we will be here forever if we go into too much detail! 

 But despite all this happiness, there were still people who were persistent in knocking me down. You know, the stereotypical populars. Mainly because I didn't brag about the money my parents earned through wearing ridiculously expensive clothes, and because I wasn't really considered the most attractive girl in the school. I just kept my head down and tried to work my way through. Knowing at the end of year eleven I could go to college or another sixth form. I was even quite close to moving at the end of year nine, because this was where things took a turn for the worst...

 I was out of control with my emotions due to bullying. It mainly consisted of rumour and cyber bullying outside of school hours. It was relentless though and I think I spent more time at home or in the medical centre sleeping than in lessons because in each of my classes there was always a handful of people who enjoyed making me feel miserable. 

 Things sadly got more hellish, leading to self harm and another stupid incident we won't really go into too much. I just cracked and couldn't handle anything anymore. My eating, the stress of exams (which don't seem so stressful compared to what I'm doing now) and various other contributing factors. 

Just before this breaking point I met Katie whilst dossing around in my local town. We just instantly clicked and are now like sisters. Although we don't talk constantly, we're both aware that if either of us need anything, we will always have each other's backs. 

Luckily, I scraped through and got some pretty decent GCSE results. My parents were really proud and encouraged me to study AS levels at a sixth form college so I could have a new start. I picked Sociology, Combined English and Photography. In each class, I had a handful of friends and I'm not trying to sound big headed, but I started to experience popularity. I was in a big group referred to as 'the wolf pack' and literally loved it. But, we broke apart because people were going through various things and college got too stressful. I had my own reason for being pulled from this group but we won't go into that, either. 

 I started a new course the next academic year in photography and this was a phenomenal year for making friends. I was just in a class full of people who shared the same interests as me and we got on like a house on fire. A little family. I was generally more positive towards making friends at this point because I'd gotten out of my previous relationship and felt like I was out of touch with myself and socialising with different people, so I through myself forward and opened myself up. I miss this class, and I'm so lucky to still be in contact with some of them!

 Now we have to go to some disappointments. 

There were basically a load of disagreements about various pointless things last summer with old friends. Accusations of me lying about some of the most personal and hurtful moments of my life, that ironically these people witnessed some of. It got way out of hand and too abusive. I felt bullied, betrayed and sick but it was just something I had to move on from. Sadly people are still finding the need to drag it on even now through sly statuses and tweets, but I'm just having to discipline myself into taking no notice because in all honesty, it's really not worth it.

 More drama has escalated recently too, due to an incident that involved the death of my ab*ser. I really don't want to say any more about it because obviously it's a sensitive issue for others such as the families and friends and I don't want to be disrespectful despite everything. But having more rumours spread because of this was not cool. Especially from people I considered to be friends who were supposed to be supporting me through that time of my life as my PTSD intensified. 

So you could say there's been quite a lot of drama going on within previous friendship groups. But regardless of the hurt it put me through, it's taught me to value those I know who I can trust, and to be careful what information I disperse to new people. You never know what may trigger them to stir trouble further down the line. 

 I can honestly count my true and honest friends on one hand. These are the people who have been with me for extremely long periods of time. Especially my family, who will always be by my side if I ever need anything. 

 Tom is also one of my best friends and has even alerted me about so many situations, regarding when I thought people were my friends but they actually treated me like dirt at the end of their shoe. I initially didn't notice because I suppose I'm just too nice and naive. But now looking back, I can really see what he meant.

 Because we are so similar too, we are both a couple and best friends. We will do couple-y things, but then also sit there in stitches laughing at stupid pictures on the internet or doing other silly things we love to do. We look after each other, it's not a relationship where one of us is entirely dependent on the other. Encouragement and support is all a big part of it, as we motivate each other to move on from things and aim high. Honestly, this is a relationship I could never be without.

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Thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who have just been there through all of this. And everyone in the blogging community, you're all amazing!  

If you are actually struggling with toxic friendships, I did some advice some time ago on how to exit or rekindle them here whilst putting your own thoughts and emotions first, as well as advice on making new friends. You can read that here.

Cheerio until next time

Grace xo