'Food Problems' | October Diaries

I'm going to make this post as informal as possible for you all, because it's quite deep and heavy going for me to explain and there's certain things I don't wish to go into, because it is more or less an experience and issue I have, and still am, dealing with.

Weight has always been a weakness of mine. And something I have suffered with since I was around fourteen. I do not have a formally diagnosed eating disorder, however I did go through a really tough time with food and was referred to counselling and psychotherapy for this, along with anxiety and depression, at the age of fifteen. 

The reason it all started was again, bullies. I went to a very clique-y secondary school where designer clothes and a reputation was more important than what the parent's were actually paying for. A good education. I started the school not having the foggiest about brands such as Jack Wills and Abercrombie. Brands other children had been dressed in by the bank of mum and dad. My parents have never gloated about their financial state, so we were very modest when it came to having all these clothes and material objects. And because of this modesty, I was deemed as 'poor' and 'unfortunate'. 

 These sly digs about my wardrobe choices then escalated into my appearance. Why didn't I wear makeup? Why did I eat at lunch time? Because I was taught it was acceptable to be comfortable with yourself. But then people at school conditioned me into thinking I was ugly, fat and geeky. 

I look back on myself and seriously think I wasn't even that bad. But now, despite how confident I come across as, I compare myself to so many people. If I see someone thinner than me I will just think to myself 'Well, she probably doesn't eat chocolate and sausage rolls'. \

I've detoxed and dieted more times than I can count and sometimes the outcome isn't even that satisfying. If I treat myself once to a piece of cake it will play on my mind for the rest of the day, and I will loathe myself for making that choice. 

One thing that people don't understand is I don't call myself ugly for attention. I hate having people's attention drawn towards me. In fact, I tend to avoid commenting on my appearance in front of other's because it draws more attention and potential negative comments.  I have had a history of binging and purging and I'm just praying it doesn't come back again because of current emotions. 

 People genuinely don't understand the fact that if a girl feels ugly, it's not just because she wants extra attention and to be showered in compliments. It's because nowadays, no matter how beautiful someone really is, it's still easy to feel unattractive whether it's because of low self esteem, bitchy comments or negative experiences. 

Although I am in my element at the moment with my new course and arising opportunities, I do go through my own problems too, even though I am an extremely fortunate person. I just can't wait for the day where everything is bliss in my mind again.