Cancer | Life and Stories

Hello, everyone!

I've come to realise I hardly ever write on here anymore. Well, recently anyway. 

Today I wanted to talk/write about something a bit more serious which pretty much affects everyone. I don't think I know a single person who has not been affected by this horrible, horrible disease. It is a very important issue to me and just something I wanted to get off my chest, especially considering it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. 

I got the inspiration to do this from recent events, as well as this video I saw Sprinkle of Glitter did. For me, it wasn't just something to relate to, but something to watch and think about. Do these celebrities actually have it all? Because no amount of money or fame can bring back someone you love and have always loved. 

I was originally going to make a video like this after I'd seen it but I didn't want to seem like a copy, but maybe I will make one at some point. Personally, I knew I'd end up in floods of tears as well and that wasn't something I was really comfortable with, especially being so new to the Youtube world.

**

I'm going to start at the very beginning of my story and experience

Grandad Sam died before I even became an idea. He contracted lung cancer when he was quite an old man, but he wasn't exactly ancient. I've heard so many stories about him which sort of remind me of myself. The way that whenever he was a bit poorly, he would go and look in a medical book and say he had bronchitis, or just self-diagnose himself with something completely off topic. How he was a proper English man and had a guinea pig called Hector. 

Grandad Sam died when my brother was about two or three. So, about twenty years ago now. Although I never knew him, it hurts being told how fond he would of apparently been of me, how I don't even know what he looked or sounded like. He's sort of like an urban legend to me. 

It's rare that my dad ever talks about him because they didn't have the best bond growing up, but one holiday he just burst into tears and it was really weird for me because never had I ever seen my dad cry at anything. And I never realised how much the loss got to him, despite having a supportive family around him. 

More recently, about two years ago my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. At first this was curable and I was reassured she would be absolutely fine. But cancer is cancer, isn't it? It doesn't really matter if someone tells you it's curable or treatable, it's still going to hurt them. They're still sick at the end of the day. 

My aunt was forty one when she was diagnosed and in one of the most desirable marriages I've ever witnessed. My uncle was infatuated by her, and her children, Finlay, now 13, and Merryn, now 10, thought the world of her. It really was a happy family. They live in Scotland and made this move about seven years ago, which made us seem very distant. Once we received the news about Julia's condition, we started to go up their more on half term weeks, in the Summer holidays, etc. 

Luckily I never really saw her suffer, but I was so naive to the effects it would have on her emotionally. One day, we went to this Loch/beach thing and I bought my camera, and we took loads of lovely pictures of each other and these photos remain to be some of my favourites to this day. I edited these pictures to make them look even more lovely and put them on Facebook without even thinking.

Minutes later I heard sobbing in the kitchen and it was Julia, saying how her skin looked so saggy and you could see her hairline from the chemo. I honestly didn't know what to say other than 'sorry', because she still looked like my auntie and she was still so pretty to me. I still blame myself about all the small things like this that I did. We were both so feisty and this is where are personalities clashed and sometimes I just stop and think 'For fuck's sake Liv, why didn't you just have some respect?'. And if I'd have known earlier how life twists and turns sometimes, I would have been able to been so different. 

But I loved my aunt very dearly, more than you could imagine. I was so proud to see her, after having such low self esteem, featured in a Breast Cancer Care fashion show, walking down the catwalk to 'Roar' by Katy Perry. 

The distance between us really got to me, especially after she was re-diagnosed.

I remember finding out about her 'relapse' after spending the day at a friend's last September (2014). I just got back and my mum had been at her parent's house. She seemed extremely upset and she broke the news to me. I sort of put two and two together, because cancer coming back again can't really mean good things. 

The cancer had basically spread from her breasts to her chest wall, lungs, kidneys, liver and ribs. This was treatable, but incurable. 

What hurt most was the fact that she'd already had one shit Christmas in 2013, where she was diagnosed just four weeks before and had to tell her children and husband. But she also featured in an article for the Daily Record which you can read here, and after overcoming the first bout of cancer, she informed the paper she was so excited for a happy Christmas and wanted it to be emotional for all the right reasons. But she actually had no idea she was going to have a relapse.

And that's the worst thing about cancer. It is so unexpected. You can literally have the healthiest lifestyle and all the money in the world, cancer will still be able to find a way to get to you. It could happen to me or you now, in ten years or fifty years. You cannot predict it. And it's shit. 

Throughout October, November and parts of December I managed to cope with all my emotions about it. I was in a  new relationship and had a completely new support network. I'd even bagged myself an interview at a new college to study a course I actually wanted to do because I was receiving so much encouragement. 

During January though, things weren't exactly great and I just had this horrible gut instinct. I hadn't seen Julia since before she was re-diagnosed. This hurt even more. I didn't know whether it was going to end in a miracle but I just started to distance myself more because I didn't know what to think. I wanted to be positive for my family but I couldn't fool myself for much longer.

There was this one Wednesday when my mum was in Scotland visiting them all, and I was at home in lectures. I knew Julia was in hospital but I didn't know how severe it was. She went in on the Monday with the ambulance, I think, and still wasn't back home on the Wednesday.

My behaviour just deteriorated and I was starting to act sixteen again. I knew something was up and I just took it out on all my lecturers and various other people. What was worse was I was getting picked on in lessons when lecturers thought I had the answer to questions, when really I didn't care at the time. I had no interest for photography, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. One lecturer made it particularly hard by just slamming my books on the table saying my work was disgraceful and he'd be using it for a 'bad example' the following year and I just lost it. I kept thinking to myself 'Do you have any idea what I'm going through? Or how much of a dick you're being?'.

The next day was interview day at Buxton. I had a fresh mind after a good night's sleep after the antics and drama of the previous day. I even persuaded myself to go to the gym and use some of the new equipment. What I didn't realise was the time I got up was the same time Julia had passed away. But my dad was sworn to secrecy until he collected me from my interview. I was so shocked, I really didn't see it coming at all and I just couldn't stop crying hysterically, thinking about how my two little cousins had been told.

I was so lucky to come home and find Tom and his mum waiting to take me out somewhere. I stopped crying after about three hours and even laughed for a bit. But laughing felt wrong. Auntie Jules was dead, how dare I laugh? I felt sick and it all started again. Everything hurt, I couldn't even move my legs and arms, I don't know whether that's something to do with shock or just from folding myself up on the sofa crying. 

**

Since then I've had random bouts of grief. Some days I've been fine, other day's I've just been so angry and wanted someone to talk to. Jules was amazing for that, whether it was boys or just anything life threw at me. She always had a solution, even if it was some trashy book about women being from Venus, men being from Mars. She had no trouble in making me feel better about myself. 

Like sprinkle of glitter says in her video, cancer never really leaves a family or group of friends. Whether it's been cured or taken someone. It will always have an affect on both the sufferer and the family. 

It never leaves because my aunt will never see my graduation. Or my wedding. I can't even remember her voice and it hurts because sometimes it's the only thing I really want to hear. I want to hear her and see her sing into a wooden spoon again but I know that's not possible. The affect that the whole experience has had on my family is terrible, too. But that is to be kept private.

**

I'm going to cut it off here because it is a sensitive topic, and I don't feel the need to go into any more detail than I already have done. 

One thing I want people to take away from this, is that everyone has been through something upsetting or traumatic in their life. No matter how fortunate we may be in some departments, other things can still affect us in many different ways. Never judge someone for 'having it all', or 'being up their own ass', because in reality they could be going through something you'd never want to experience in your wildest dreams.

I decided to be proactive about my whole situation, as it had been a real eye opener for me and donated £1000 worth of sponsorships from you lovely people to Macmillan, who are an amazing charity and gave my family lots of support. The sponsorship money was received from chopping off 20 inches of my hair in total and donating it to the Little Princess Trust! I was so proud of myself for this, and I hope Julia is too.

Goodnight, stay strong xo

You can read my eulogy/ memorial post for Julia here

You can read more about my feelings towards chopping off my hair here

You can read about the big day of the cut here