Anxiety and Panic Attacks | Where it Began

Aloha! (again)

I decided to write about something more serious, as I haven't really spoken much about mental health recently, which was one of the main points of this blog.

Recently, I saw a girl just a couple of years older than me write a post about her first anxiety attack, how she felt, how she coped with it and what triggered her GAD (general anxiety disorder). I don't want to mention any names because this topic is quite sensitive and I don't know her preferences with regards to who she wants to see it etc. But I saw it, and it's inspired me to speak about how it all started for me (as anxiety is something I've never really gone into detail about on this blog). If you suffer with anxiety yourself, I hope this inspires you to speak out!

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I suppose it all started during the end of my second year of secondary school, and the beginning of my third year. This was when the feelings of anxiety started, anyway. 

Throughout year 8 I had been bullied by almost everyone in my year. This made me feel very self conscious and soon went on to further issues regarding my body image. What made it worse for me was the fact that there were some people who I considered as my best friends, and I soon found out that they had joined in with all this spitefulness that was aimed towards me. Whilst revising in the library for upcoming Summer assessments, I asked a friend to borrow her maths book as this was a subject I struggled with. But in this book, I found no maths. Just pages of writing about people. One page named 'Recipe for a Spaz' with loads of mean things about me having cellulite and stretch marks. 

Naturally, this made me feel even more insecure. I mean, my best friends were bitching about me the whole time, writing all this mean stuff when they were the ones I trusted with my feelings of insecurity and sadness the whole time? Some friends.

All this spiraled into feelings of intense anxiety. I avoided conversations with strangers and kept my head down (literally) in class and when walking past bullies. I avoided going to lunch. When I did, I only ate a slice of bread then went back down and stayed in the library. 

So year 8 went to year 9, and year 9 went to year 10. Although suffering with anxiety, it wasn't formally diagnosed until half way through year 11, my final year at that horrible school. However, just before my diagnosis I had my first panic attack. It was my birthday (December the 18th, 2012) and I was in a really good mood. School was just about to finish and I had two weeks off, away from everyone. I'd just been given presents from two of my best friends, and I needed the toilet. The girls locker rooms was situated right next to the girls toilets, but you had to leave the locker rooms and walk through pupil's entrance to get to them. 

So, I was in pupil's entrance minding my own business and walking to the toilets. There were a group of boys in my year sitting outside with some girls in the year below. I was just about to open the door when I heard three comments...

"So fat"

"She won't need a birthday cake"

"s'fit..I joke I joke" 

Then numerous stifled laughs. I heard the first comment and presumed they were bitching about someone else. But the birthday cake comment kind of gave it away. And my "16 today" badge gave away the fact it was my birthday, so I put two and two together. 

I kept it together because I didn't want to give these people what they wanted. A reaction. I could only keep my cool for so long, and as soon as I got into my cubicle I just let it all out. I was hyperventilating, my vision was blurring, I was sick. I'd never had an experience like this in my life. I'd never been so scared, either. The worst thing was, I was just too upset and angry to calm myself down. I missed all of registration and half of my first lesson because I just couldn't gain control over myself. I had no one to help me deal with this new, horrible experience.

Three years on, and to this day I still get paranoid about what people think of my body. Which is why I want to do something to change it now. And on occasions, I still have these panic attacks but not nearly as much as I did when I was 16-17.  It's something I still need to work on for the occasions where I do have nasty panic attacks.

Panic attacks come in many forms, it's not always just shaking and being sick. It can be an immense lack of communication, unpredictable rage, stumbling over words or being completely zoned out. They create ridiculously uncomfortable and embarrassing situations, but they are not something I am ashamed of having. It is an illness. Just like a virus, and I shouldn't have to face a stigma for it. Nor should I have to hear romanticizing them. They're not cute nor are they enjoyable. I wouldn't wish the experience of a panic attack on anyone. Instead, I wish that, if you suffer with them yourself or GAD, you get better and stay strong.