University & Anxiety

Hello, everyone! Welcome back to the blog again. I know I'm very inconsistent with my posts, but as detailed in previous updates I have a lot of deadlines to meet over the next few weeks. I will try to post as frequently as possible, but cannot promise anything. 

This week I will be talking about how the whole university experience has been for me whilst coping with general anxiety disorder. I will be going from the very beginning of the experience, so going through clearing and freshers, up to where we are now. I'd also love to hear how some of you guys are coping with your anxiety whilst in school, college or university. Get commenting down below!

Clearing

Anyone who has got into university through clearing will know just how nerve wracking it can be, with or without anxiety. You apply to discuss a potential place on your desired course with the admissions team at your chosen university. You can also apply through UCAS, but I did it a different way so I can't really speak about that (although I did go through a similar process). You get the call, sell yourself and try to convince them you will be a tippy top student, and hope for the best. 

 I was in constant contact with the head of Joint Honours at the University of Derby because my anxiety got the better of me. I kept assuming my application had been forgotten, or even rejected, if I didn't get an e-mail clarification within the next day. She was absolutely lovely and continued to reassure me, but my desperation to just start university and get away from college also made itself known. 

Fortunately though, I got my place with more than enough UCAS points from about three years of college, and was accepted into the College of Education to study for a Joint Honours degree. 

Freshers

Probably the most daunting experience of my life, and I only went out twice! Yep, living it large as always...not. 

But it wasn't just the partying and the friend-making. Well, no. It was the friend-making. 

Luckily, I used my initiative and relentlessly searched for people on either one of my chosen courses. I made two lovely friends via Twitter (shoutout to Tash and Beth!) who were both doing joint honours as well, and were studying one of the same subjects as me. The best thing about trying to find people (in the least stalker-isn way possible!) is that you have someone to go to your initial lectures and enjoy freshers with. 

Freshers Round 1...

Partying was fun and everything, and I don't know why I didn't go out more. Well, the hangover after my second night out probably put me off going out for a while actually...

Hm. I take that back. I sort of do know (other than the hangover, but I can bore you with that story some other time). I have been out quite a few times and don't get me wrong, I've always had an amazing time. But during freshers, the security blanket comes off and you're in a whole new kettle of fish (is that the saying?). New people, new environments. And you need to mix with these new people, because how else are you going to make friends? Even if they are temporary it's just good to mix. And I didn't like this pressure, as much as I adore the people I went out with and socialised with on these two nights out. I felt pressured to speak to everyone I came across which made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. 

Where as on a normal night out, you're with the same people throughout. Yeah, you may converse with a few other drunk girls in the ladies. But you sort of feel a bit safer. Do you get what I'm saying? Call me silly, but I know what I mean!

Lectures

Academia has never really been such a big issue for me. I've always enjoyed learning, sharing my knowledge and putting together pieces of work containing my own research and ideas. This year, it's completely different. I enjoy it, I really do. But the leap from college to university is huge. Don't think for a moment you will be reminded about deadlines constantly, and have your hand held throughout the next three years (or however long you've chosen to be there for), because you won't. I am not going to complain about that, because to be honest it is what I expected. You're an adult and need to learn to make your way in the world. 

For some reason the amount of work I am having to complete is having a significant effect on my well-being. I am currently waiting for a Support Plan to be approved by my GP so I can take the form in and give it to the Student Well-being officers at university, and kind of need it to hurry up because I can really feel myself slipping at the moment. I'm working hard and really enjoying the studying side of things, but more recently I've just felt really apprehensive about lectures, going into the library and applying for a placement. This is something I shouldn't have to feel like, because I really want to get a career in the childcare industry or educational research and development profession. 

I can also feel my personal relationships with friends and loved ones deteriorating because of this anxiety and apprehensiveness. It tends to make me quite defensive in various situations, such as when receiving feedback. I now automatically take it as a personal attack and criticism, because a voice inside my head tells me I'm being told off because I'm not good enough. This then portrays me as being aggressive, and I don't want that because I know I'm not aggressive and I love being kind to people. This is something I will definitely take up with my personal counsellor once this support plan is approved.

The Future

The future is something that is worrying me at the moment, and I'm becoming increasingly worried about what career options I have after completing my degree. I'm sure there's loads of amazing opportunities that will suit my knowledge and ambitions, but right now I'm too concerned with getting a job that will just put food on the table and make sure myself and my family are comfortable. Tom is aiming to get his MA, and potentially a PhD, in Social Sciences or Education after he's completed his undergraduate degree and PGCE. I encourage him to pursue his dreams, but I want to be good enough for him too and contribute just as much to our little family. I suppose I just need all the emotional support I can get throughout university so I can achieve something that I both enjoy, and that will be beneficial. Obviously at the moment, my well-being is my priority and once it is all ironed out then the future looks promising. 

Other things that are stressing me out: 

-Driving lessons and doing my theory/practical test-My presentation on how humans learn next week-Personal health and fitness-The current state of my skin-The thought of losing my friends, family, and Tom-Other upcoming deadline and whether or not I'm going to meet them-Flying to Oman-Disapointing people.

*****

Overall, university has been good to me so far this semester. My anxiety just hasn't really co-operated and like most mental illnesses, it just doesn't care how you want to feel and can take control at any point in your life. I have a lot to look forward to, during both my education and free time. Hopefully getting excited about these opportunities and relaxing a little will relieve the tension. I cannot wait to go to Oman during the winter holidays, as well as my birthday which is coming up soon, and Christmas. 

Wishing you all well, and sorry for such a gloomy post! 

Liv x