Open Letter to my Abusive Boyfriend

I have tried to start this post in so many different ways and have not found the courage to post this for about two years now. Some things are definitely better out than in. I'd like to thank all the brave women who have posted their open letters to their abusers online for giving me the courage and confidence to let go, vent and post something of a similar nature. You're all so brave and inspirational xo

To my abusive ex, 

It's very hard to find the right words to say to you considering we have not been in contact for four years. I mean, it's quite hard to be in contact considering your circumstances. But after those four long years, I think I am now ready to explode. No one has bothered to listen to me or believe me about the stuff you put me through so I have had to live with these memories independently. Rather than taking that out on others, I might as well take out my anger and upset on you while you're here. So listen well. 

  I'm not going to sit here and describe every time you laid hands on me or manipulated me, because it's just a brief little letter and I'm sure you can remember it as well as I can. Because it was your decision to behave like that.  But I didn't have the easy decision of walking away and leaving you. You made me stay by convincing me your actions were because either a) you cared about me or b) my actions/behaviour warranted your violent responses. Whenever you did feel bad for your actions (which was very rare), you felt as though a personalised batch of Millie's Cookies or a bunch of flowers would win me over...so you could do it all over again. 

 Unfortunately, when I met you (as if meeting you in the first place wasn't an unfortunate enough occurrence) I was only sixteen. I'd had no experience of relationships so I couldn't compare our relationship with. I couldn't tell whether or not our relationship was healthy. You told me no one would love me or care like you do so I assumed all your actions were an act of love. I was messaged so many times warning me about you but I decided to give you the benefit of the doubt and give you a chance. Then I gave you too many more chances to the point where I was having emergency home visits from my CAMHS worker because my parents just didn't know what to do. You put me through everything. You apologised. You put me through more and then once you couldn't get to me anymore, you continued to victimise more vulnerable young girls. When you got exposed, you staged a mental breakdown to get people on your side and give you sympathy. After witnessing everything you'd put me through, my so-called 'friends' still decided to take your side and together you spread rumours that I'd made up the whole thing. You got the support. As if you needed support after what you put countless girls through. 

 When I decided you were a toxic waste of space you wanted to bring another human into the world to keep me. As if that would have been fair on the poor squid. If my parents had not have come to my rescue at this point I could have had an unwanted child and living in a hostel for single mothers. But I'm not. I'm in my final year at uni. Something you said I'd never have accomplished. I have a job. Something you never wanted me to do in case there was employees of the opposite sex. I go to the gym and have worked tirelessly on my body and appearance. Something you also did not want me to do because you hated the thought of me looking the slightest bit attractive for other blokes. I am out of your reach and out of your control.

 But for me, it doesn't cut it. Because I have had no one to vent to and talk about every little thing you put me through, your actions and the way you treated me have emphasised my PTSD and still live with me. The smallest visual cue can trigger a flashback, I will hear your voice in my head, I will have nightmares. The works. But why would anyone want to hear about such a negative and dark part of my life? What could they really say? I don't want sympathy, I just want closure and to move on. So I deal with it internally. I take tablets and I work so I have no time to think about you. But you should know that your actions have not just affected me like this, but the countless girls you manipulated and abused because you just wanted to feel a sense of control and power. You overpowered me at one point but I think it's clear to see I'm the real winner here. 

Bitch, bye. 

Liv