Coming out of an abusive relationship// My experience
I'm trying my best to make sure this doesn't sound like a sob story..and more of a guide for people in relationships.
So about a week ago I came out of the worst relationship I thought I could ever experience that lasted nine and a half months. I'm not going to give you every single little detail, that remains confidential and I've only disclosed this information to my very close friends and family.
Ok, so I started college after coming after leaving my old school. I was incredibly happy and by the end of the first week I had a group of amazing friends. We all had so much in common and were always laughing. By October, I'd been invited to a few parties. I was like, "wow people actually like me I've never been invited to parties before". At Rory's birthday shindig, I met my ex. We started seeing each other then went into a relationship. The first two months were amazing and it was incredibly perfect, but then alarm bells started going off for my friends and family, but I continued following him blindly.
By our fourth month together, I wasn't allowed to wear make up, crop tops, shorts (I had to dress modestly), I'd been banned from talking to my amazing group of friends from college, I had to take photos to prove where I was, I had to Skype him every night, I wasn't allowed to revise for my exams, suffered physical abuse, accused of lying when I didn't tell him anything about my past. I'd been abused in front of his family and they had said nothing. They didn't stop him. My mental health was used against me. The verbal abuse during arguments was horrific. The most recent argument, my mother, dad and his best friend caught a glimpse of and things didn't go down well. My last sleepover with him was an experience I don't wish on anyone.
Abuse comes in many forms. Many people are mislead. They feel if you're in a relationship with someone and they bully you then it's different. It's because "they care". I was brainwashed into thinking this and please believe me when I say people don't control you because they care. It is because they are insecure and want to know they have someone to control and who will tolerate their manipulative behavior. A group of my best friends let me know this. And one particularly special boy let me know I deserve better.
Here's the categories of abuse:
Emotional
Shouted at, constantly criticised, threatened, not allowed privacy, called names, put down, threatened suicide, controlled, texts checked, email and facebook hacked, clothes chosen, belongings smashed or broken, given gifts then having them taken back, cheated on, lied to, mood swings to make you feel bad, disrespected, not being listened to, jealousy, harrassed, intimidated, scared, stalked, pressured, prevented from going home, humiliated, rumours spread...
Financial
Post opened, money gambled, money spent on drink or drugs, receipts checked, made to get into debt, not allowed money, stolen from, not allowed to go to school/college/work, expected to do things for money/gifts...
Sexual
Raped, violent sex, sex on demand, unwanted sexual touching, forced to have sex with other people or partner's friends, forced to watch pornography, 'sexts' being taken or shared without consent, criticised sexually, forced pregnancy or abortion, pressured to have sex...
Physical
Punched, slapped, hit, bit, pinched, kicked, hair pulled, pushed, shoved, burned, strangled, spat at, locked in, objects thrown at, threatened with knife or gun.
No one deserves these things in a relationships. A healthy relationship has the odd tiff and argument but they shouldn't never be taken to the extent where abuse becomes natural.
Things you should expect from a relationship
I've moved on quickly but it's been the best decision I've made for a while. I am in a new relationship with someone extremley special to me. I feel safe and loved and I'm constantly happy. My mental health is still an issue but I'm getting so much support from everyone. I can go back to being myself. My own dress sense, my own personality and opinions and bat shit craziness and I am free. I feel loved again by everyone around me and I'm so glad I'm out of that horrific relationship. I am now independent, confident and get butterflies in my stomach every time I see Tom and my friends.
If you feel like you are in an abusive relationship, you're not alone. 1 in 4 sixteen to twenty five year olds experience domestic abuse whether it is sexual, physical, emotional or financial. If you're blind to it, like I was then you need to talk to a close friend or family member. It wasn't until my dad went to tell my ex he could never speak to me again that I realised I was suffering from abuse. No one deserves it and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Please please PLEASE speak to someone about it. Don't ever feel you deserve to suffer in silence. You will always have people around you to pick up the pieces.
So about a week ago I came out of the worst relationship I thought I could ever experience that lasted nine and a half months. I'm not going to give you every single little detail, that remains confidential and I've only disclosed this information to my very close friends and family.
Ok, so I started college after coming after leaving my old school. I was incredibly happy and by the end of the first week I had a group of amazing friends. We all had so much in common and were always laughing. By October, I'd been invited to a few parties. I was like, "wow people actually like me I've never been invited to parties before". At Rory's birthday shindig, I met my ex. We started seeing each other then went into a relationship. The first two months were amazing and it was incredibly perfect, but then alarm bells started going off for my friends and family, but I continued following him blindly.
By our fourth month together, I wasn't allowed to wear make up, crop tops, shorts (I had to dress modestly), I'd been banned from talking to my amazing group of friends from college, I had to take photos to prove where I was, I had to Skype him every night, I wasn't allowed to revise for my exams, suffered physical abuse, accused of lying when I didn't tell him anything about my past. I'd been abused in front of his family and they had said nothing. They didn't stop him. My mental health was used against me. The verbal abuse during arguments was horrific. The most recent argument, my mother, dad and his best friend caught a glimpse of and things didn't go down well. My last sleepover with him was an experience I don't wish on anyone.
Abuse comes in many forms. Many people are mislead. They feel if you're in a relationship with someone and they bully you then it's different. It's because "they care". I was brainwashed into thinking this and please believe me when I say people don't control you because they care. It is because they are insecure and want to know they have someone to control and who will tolerate their manipulative behavior. A group of my best friends let me know this. And one particularly special boy let me know I deserve better.
Here's the categories of abuse:
Emotional
Shouted at, constantly criticised, threatened, not allowed privacy, called names, put down, threatened suicide, controlled, texts checked, email and facebook hacked, clothes chosen, belongings smashed or broken, given gifts then having them taken back, cheated on, lied to, mood swings to make you feel bad, disrespected, not being listened to, jealousy, harrassed, intimidated, scared, stalked, pressured, prevented from going home, humiliated, rumours spread...
Financial
Post opened, money gambled, money spent on drink or drugs, receipts checked, made to get into debt, not allowed money, stolen from, not allowed to go to school/college/work, expected to do things for money/gifts...
Sexual
Raped, violent sex, sex on demand, unwanted sexual touching, forced to have sex with other people or partner's friends, forced to watch pornography, 'sexts' being taken or shared without consent, criticised sexually, forced pregnancy or abortion, pressured to have sex...
Physical
Punched, slapped, hit, bit, pinched, kicked, hair pulled, pushed, shoved, burned, strangled, spat at, locked in, objects thrown at, threatened with knife or gun.
No one deserves these things in a relationships. A healthy relationship has the odd tiff and argument but they shouldn't never be taken to the extent where abuse becomes natural.
Things you should expect from a relationship
- Trust
- Support
- Having individual interests
- Honesty
- Responsibility
- Respect
- Agreed affection and physical contact
- Fun
- Love
- Talking
- Listening
- Equality
- Compliments
- Sharing
- Compromising
- The right to express feelings and thoughts without fear
- Have your own friends and interests
- Not having to make up excuses for other people's behaviour
- Choose to end the relationship without feeling frightened.
I've moved on quickly but it's been the best decision I've made for a while. I am in a new relationship with someone extremley special to me. I feel safe and loved and I'm constantly happy. My mental health is still an issue but I'm getting so much support from everyone. I can go back to being myself. My own dress sense, my own personality and opinions and bat shit craziness and I am free. I feel loved again by everyone around me and I'm so glad I'm out of that horrific relationship. I am now independent, confident and get butterflies in my stomach every time I see Tom and my friends.
If you feel like you are in an abusive relationship, you're not alone. 1 in 4 sixteen to twenty five year olds experience domestic abuse whether it is sexual, physical, emotional or financial. If you're blind to it, like I was then you need to talk to a close friend or family member. It wasn't until my dad went to tell my ex he could never speak to me again that I realised I was suffering from abuse. No one deserves it and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Please please PLEASE speak to someone about it. Don't ever feel you deserve to suffer in silence. You will always have people around you to pick up the pieces.
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