My Experience with CAHMS | #ThisIsTheNHS

Hello, everyone!

As you can tell my blog is a bit willy nilly at the moment. But I've found that if I plan and promise too much, I get really uninspired and see blogging as a job and chore, rather than something to enjoy. This makes my writing really crappy and unenjoyable, meaning less people come to my blog to find help, advice, or something to enjoy.

Tonight, as a complete 'spur the moment' choice, I've decided to write about my experience as  CAHMS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service, NHS) patient. This idea was also inspired by Laura Lejeune's video, where she spoke about similar experiences whilst suffering with depression anxiety.
Trigger warning: If anything relating to self-harm, suicide and depression triggers you in any way, don't feel obliged to read on any further! 
 To make it easier to read, and so I'm not babbling for hours on end as though I'm writing a dissertation, I'm going to split my story into a few different sections. This will also set the story out more clearly and so I can take you through my experience step by step. Here we go! 

The root...

I can't pinpoint exactly how I got depressed, anxious, and delusional about my appearance. I'd say it was primarily due to the bullying I'd experienced at my secondary school and how little support I'd received from the teachers in coping. I was allowed to go to the medical centre if I ever felt upset or drained after my diagnosis (more on the diagnosis in a minute), but that meant these bullies were succeeding, because I wasn't really getting any education or preparing myself for exams.

After all these problems continued to build up on each other, I finally vented out to my mum about everything and she told me to go and see a doctor. I'm really lucky in this respect, because rather than giving me a really medicinal questionnaire and telling me to go ahead with popping the meds, he also contacted CAMHS so I could receive counselling. I was put on a waiting list of about two months

In this time, things got worse and a week before my first scheduled appointment with my counsellor I attempted suicide. I'm not going to go into this huge dramatic story, because it wasn't actually too severe. I did stay overnight in hospital, and it really did shit my family up because I'd never told them I'd felt this bad. The hospital were really nice and understanding about everything.
 But the straw then broke the camel's back, as I was in a very difficult relationship (not abusive, don't panic!) with someone who was my first proper boyfriend and I really did think the world of him at that time because I was young but didn't really understand that the relationship was impossible and we were polar opposites. That relationship ended over text while I was in hospital, which I was distraught about at the time and I just ended up collapsing in tears on the floor looking for my mum in the hospital. But this was later forgiven. As I specified earlier, we were both in very challenging situations which I won't delve into on his part.

The treatment...

The next day in hospital, I had an 'emergency meeting' with a specialist counsellor who was absolutely lovely and super understanding of my circumstances. Initially I was petrified he was going to make me feel guilty for all the actions I'd taken what with self harm and the suicide attempt. But he talked through my feelings with me from the day I began to feel shit to the attempt. He also suggested that, because of anger issues and how easily upset and triggered I can get which used to lead to these suicidal and depressive thoughts, I took up boxing.
 After the nervous return home and to school, things began to look up. I finally left school, I started my counselling which went really well. My emotions were still very imbalanced and there were incredibly dark days though, so it was arranged that I should see a psychiatrist to get prescribed some fluoxetine, as well as melatonin to sort out my insomnia. The psychiatrist was a bit of a pain, as I only ever got to see her twice and she literally couldn't get her head around what I was explaining to her which was odd, considering her career is working with people who have mental illnesses and behavioural issues. She cancelled a lot of appointments, one of which was when I was desperate for an upgrading of tablets. It is unfortunate how, because of the cuts being made to child and adolescent mental health services, there is a massive waiting list of people desperate to receive help. As a side note, just be prepared if you are required to see a psychiatrist, your appointments may get shifted around a lot because they can have emergency calls and stuff. This rarely happens with CAMHS counsellors though, unless they have an emergency to attend themselves.

Wahoo finally leaving school! My last day in uniform

 The unspeakable soon happened and I was sexually assaulted during my summer break, which sent me on a downwards spiral as I felt the need to keep it completely to myself because I was scared of how people would react and treat me, I didn't think the police would take me seriously and I didn't want to upset my family.

Spiralling out of control...

I started college that September and was completely freaking out about the change in routine, but I made a really lovely new group of friends who I felt so comfortable around and I'd never felt so valued by friends before (besides my old school friends, of course). Because of this new found confidence, and entering a new relationship (which I didn't realise would end up being abusive), my counsellor decided it was time to close my case, and I was scheduled in for two more appointments just to be sure I was stable enough to tackle life alone. It was at one of these appointments where I burst out about my rape story, and my counsellor decided I may need to seek therapy from the private sector, as many counsellors were allegedly not equipped to deal with PTSD in my local area. 
 My then-boyfriend also thought it would be a fantastic idea to try and get me to resent my counsellor for her decisions and techniques. I began to see her for other things, alongside my private psychotherapist who helped me through my PTSD. My PTSD was also worsening because of the way I was being treated in that relationship. As I was manipulated further, the therapy I was receiving became less and less effective because I was brainwashed into thinking I didn't need any of it, I was fine, I could just talk to him. It didn't help that he also began to attend my sessions, as it made her think I just had a stinking attitude and refused to put in an equal amount of effort to get better.

What really made me wake up and smell the coffee, and realise how fantastic my CAMHS counsellor really was, was that she came at a moments notice twice to come and see me as an 'emergency' appointment. This was in her own time when she would be with her family, and she always made herself available. I will never forget her for that, and it makes me terrible for ever giving in to the emotional manipulation and just dismissing her efforts. At one point I was terrified I was going to be sectioned, but she came and offered kind words and reassurance to my family and myself.  This made my dad realise I needed to come out of the relationship I was in. So he helped me end it all. She shaped my families life positively in so many ways, this was just one of them! 

Months down the line, I kept attending appointments once I was out of the evil bastards clutches. I made the effort to get better and really noticed a difference. The changes in my moods and behaviour enabled me to study hard, gain a good work ethic and a fantastic relationship with the chap I am lucky enough to call my fiancé today. My case was closed two days after my eighteenth birthday, and I felt more than happy to continue by myself through the self help methods I had practiced with my counsellor (I eventually convinced her mindfulness really wasn't for me!), and attended one more session with my private psychotherapist.

 Don't get me wrong, I still have my dark days and just want to stay in bed crying all day. It's not a happy happy ending. I put this story here so people would not be put off by all the negativity the press produce about the NHS and mental health services. Yes, the cuts have had a drastic effects on the quantity of the services provided, but never the quality! Again, I don't like gloating and don't want to rub my experiences in the face of those who haven't had such a good time with the services provided. There are just a lot of horror stories out there right now about how crap these services we are provided with are, when we need to be encouraging people to speak out and look for help! How on earth are we going to do that by telling them everything is rubbish (not trying to silence those who have had bad experiences, again)!?

5 things to know before starting counselling

1. Some sessions might seem like a waste of time- this isn't always a bad thing though, especially if the service is free! Counsellors are basically trying to get their heads round you as a person, what techniques will help improve your mental health, and what doesn't work. You may also find they ask pretty random questions that don't make sense. They basically just allow them to get to know you! If it gets too uncomfortable, or you want to know why these questions are being asked, don't be afraid to get some answers yourself!

2. You may get through quite a few counsellors- Sometimes people just don't go well together and that's absolutely fine. Obviously try to give your initial counsellor a chance, but it is completely normal if you just can't click and wish to see someone else. They don't get cross or upset either and are really understanding. They are there to provide a service for you, so don't be afraid to express what you need and get the best out of it. 

3. Sometimes it gets emotional-To get to the bottom of things, counsellors may ask questions that seem impossible to answer, thus causing a lot of emotional eruptions during sessions. Every counsellor has had horrific experiences with people crying, screaming and lashing out. Don't think they haven't seen it all before, and don't be afraid to let your emotions out. That is what the sessions are for.

4. If you're in danger...- CAMHS work with children and young adults under that age of eighteen only, meaning that they will follow legislation and policies to keep you safe. If you are in any danger at all, don't be scared to let them know. They can help and protect you. It's their job!

5. Make the most out of it- Might sound harsh, but they don't have a magic wand, they can't do it all for you. You need to work with them to see the results, try the techniques they give you. If they don't work, say something! They will have plenty of resources and coping mechanisms to provide you with. Counsellors are always well experienced professionals and will know how to accommodate your needs, just work with them to the best of your abilities! 

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Well I certainly hope you've enjoyed this post. I apologise that it's a bit garbled and I haven't really specified much about the NHS itself. But please don't be put off, or even feel sugar coated, by the stories you see online. There are good and bad cases everywhere, but if you follow the guidelines I have given you above, fingers crossed you should have an easier time with your counsellor! Obviously no two people are the same and everyone experiences there own individual situations and circumstances, but please never ever feel put off seeking the help you deserve! 

Grace x